Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The New Jesus

The New Jesus - By Paul Ross (Used with Permission)

Have you met the new Jesus yet? He's hip, cool, fashionable and gets invited to every party. He's nothing like the old Jesus – the one who is only concerned with truth, righteousness and justice. Truth-scoot-hoot-moot, who needs it. The new Jesus accepts every single lifestyle preference, after all, it all comes out in the wash. However if you are a pedophile don't lose heart because the new Jesus in time will have you included also in the fold of the emancipated; after all everything is relative and age is just a relatively misunderstood thing.

The new Jesus accepts all prophets from all religions, and endorses all their contradictory teachings with his special Jesus stamp. According to the new Jesus the only lie is to be found asserting something to be true - or even worse - the crime of asserting something to be wrong. Although these statements are self-contradictory - contradictions are not a problem in a reality where all things are mutually equivalent. Being rejected is the mother of all sins and the new Jesus wants us to avoid that at all costs. Do as I do and you shall increase your popularity, is the whole of the law.

Are you feeling guilty? All cool, the new Jesus has that covered; a slight tweaking of the Lord’s Prayer has put you back in God’s favor. Always remembering that wide is the gate that leads into liberty; so crank up the amp and light up a bong, because with the new Jesus there can be no wrong.

Our mother/sister/it, in heaven,
hallowed be your game.
Our Kingdom come,
our will be done,
on earth as it is in the movies.
Give us today our daily pleasure.
Lead us into safer temptations,
but deliver us from the debt collectors.


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